Saturday's Joke of the Day

NEW AIRLINE RULES

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger:  What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger:  No way!

Attendant:  Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger:  Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant:  No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger:  Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant:  Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger:  Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger:  The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant:  Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger:  I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant:  Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger:  But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger:  For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant:  Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

Bonus Joke:

   Two muscular men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen.  When they had moved the range and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before they had completely finished, and the job was done.

       As the men were getting ready to leave the house, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.  The men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.  I really had no choice but to pay them.

       As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang.  It was the two men.  They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.  I told them, "With the price of gas today, that will be $45, please."